Independence vs. Dependence

On this day I have been thinking a lot about how independent I am in some ways, yet at the same time I am so dependent on others in other ways.

I feel like there is such a thin line between the two. A person can only do so much on their own without the help of others. When is it healthy to let someone else in and let them help you achieve your best without using them or becoming too dependent on their helping hands?

When I think of my dependence I think of my mother. Throughout my life I have been very dependent on her...of course as a child I was, but also as an adult...when I have struggled financially or in relationships that have gone bad I have always looked to her for support. She always had her hands open to help, yet scold at the same time for the mistakes I have made. Mistakes that have led me back to seek her help. Help in the form of money and a roof over my head.

When I think of my independence I think of my role as a mother to my daughter. I gave birth to her a week before my 18th birthday and have pretty much raised her on my own. When others have tried to step in for moral support or to become a fatherly figure that she so desperately needed I have quickly cast their helping hands away. I have always done it on my own and know nothing else and couldn't stand the thought of someone not being able to follow through for her.

How can I be an independent woman, yet know when it is time to depend on others to be there for me when I need them? This is a constant struggle for me...maybe one day I will figure it out.

For now I figure me continuing my education and getting my degree then career started will help with this process. I can become financially independent yet I will have to depend on others to help me along the way.

Broken Arrows...

So, today I am feeling down. I can't quite put a finger as to why that is. Just yesterday I was feeling very positive and excited about life and my future. So, why within a matter of 24 hours do I feel so negative? If only I knew the answer.
I guess today I have been thinking about all those years that have passed by in a more negative way. All those years wasted on people and things that did more to hurt me and my children then to help us.
I can't let anyone or anything get in the way of my dreams...because my dreams are to be the best I can be for not only myself, but for my children.
I thank God for the precious gifts he has given me...this life that I haven't shown enough appreciation for at times in the past and my two beautiful children that have come from this life...whether they came out of good or bad, they are still precious gifts.
I pray to God to help me heal my Broken Arrows...starting with myself...

ACCEPTANCE!!!

So, I have just found out that I have been accepted at a local University for their Fall 2009 semester! I am so excited and will even qualify for a small scholarship! I am on my way, FINALLY at the age of 29, towards my career!

The Ironic thing about this school is I grew up across the street from it for 19 years. I have so many memories of playing with friends in the field, riding my bike through the corridors and trying to avoid getting scolded for doing so. Playing in front of the chapel at the college across the street from my babysitters house after school everyday. I never would have imagined that I would be a student there many years later.

A lot has happened between then and now. Then I was a young girl (around my daughter's age) and wanted to be an Archeologist when I grew up and now I am planning to become a School Counselor/Art Therapist. In between those years I became a teenage mom that managed to finish high school and raise my daughter on my own (with help from mom) and marry into an abusive relationship and go through a terrible divorce and struggle with custody arrangements with my son. Through all those hard times I have grown to be the woman I am now and I have come to "accept" myself and work towards the me I am destined to be. The person that God has blessed me with the talents to become.

So, not only is it a thrill that I got "accepted" into this University that holds so many childhood memories for me, but also I have learned to "accept" myself along the way, over these troublesome years of my early adulthood. I am so excited to create the memories that are yet to come with this "acceptance"...

My 2 creations...

These are my 2 beautiful works of art that I have created so far...


Ok, ok...we know who really created them...but they are still works of art :-)

Book from my childhood...

This is a book from my childhood that my Grandma Lois gave to me. I was her artist. I loved reading this book as a young girl and admiring all of the paintings of Monet's. I have since grown up and Grandma Lois has since passed away and my daughter Mariah has the book now and has read it. She is an artist herself...

One day at a time...

I am feeling very productive today. I have so much coming up in life and today is one of those days where I feel like tackling things. I am starting back to school this Winter and have already registered for my classes and am very anxious to get back to the classroom.
All while keeping track of Mariah and Josiah's schooling. I know it will be overwhelming at times, but I am trying my best to take everything one day at a time. That's all I can do.
I will be taking Art and Math to start and I have not put my artistic talent to work in sooo long. I am really looking forward to this and I believe I need to do something with this talent I have been blessed with.


I have big dreams to paint murals in my kid's rooms when we buy our house and I need to touch up on some things before venturing into painting bedroom walls :-)...one day at a time...